Bail Out: 8 tips for rescuing your child from overwhelming emotions

I often talk to parents and professionals about what happens to our bodies when we experience strong emotions. You can probably imagine it now. You're running late to work. Every light is turning red. You know your boss is going to be angry with you. You wonder what the consequence will be. At that moment someone cuts you off causing you to slam on your brakes and sloshing coffee all over your white dress shirt. And that is when you lose it. You yell at that that driver with every ounce of your being. Your fling your arms up to make sure he/she knows you are upset. You pour out your emotions in a string of expletives that would impress even the raunchiest comedian. And then, feeling slightly better, you go on with your morning. Perhaps taking a few other opportunities to lecture that driver out loud about how they really need to use their turn signal. But each time you get calmer. The diatribe shortens. And by the time you get to work you are feeling 95% human again.

So what happened? Your emotions got the best of you.

We've all been there and yet somehow we forget this when dealing with our children. It seems to me that there are two big reasons we overlook emotions when trying to determine how to weather our children's storms. The first reason is that adults all-too-often disagree with the child's perception that something is a problem. We don't see any logic behind getting upset over the blue striped socks being in the laundry so we don't feel the need to discuss it. The second reason is that we forget that our children's capacity for handling strong emotions is much smaller than our own. It's really important to keep this in mind because when children are overwhelmed they do things that we don't want them to do. Hitting, biting, tantrums - these often stem from emotions that are too big.

My favorite-ever Disney song lyric is from "Fixer Upper" in Frozen: "People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed." Truer words...

The best tool I can offer for helping your child deal with strong emotions is THE BUCKET. Picture a bucket. That bucket is holding your child's emotional state like a water level that is constantly rising and falling through the day. Mild emotions fill the bucket a little. Stronger ones fill it more. Now...here is the tricky part. That bucket ALSO holds the emotional state of others your child is interacting with. Peers, siblings, cartoon characters, and most definitely YOU. Children learn from infancy to tune in to their caregiver's emotions. It is hard-wired into our brains because it is critical for survival. Not sure about something? Check mom's face to see if it's safe. Your child is more sensitive to your emotions than anyone else's. This means your child's emotions are constantly filling their bucket and adding yours to the mix it fills it up even more. Sometimes this can happen so quickly that the bucket overflows. What do you suspect happens then? If you said, "not good things," you are correct. No matter if the bucket is filled with positive emotions or negative ones, when it overflows your child will need to rid themselves of that excess energy somehow. That overflow must go somewhere. Overly joyous kids are "bouncing off the walls" while intensely angry ones are stomping their feet, throwing themselves on the ground, raising their voices, and throwing things.

Now that you know about the bucket it probably makes sense that I advise adults to consider it carefully when interacting with children. If you are roughhousing with your child and the game is intensely exciting there will come a point when they do something they shouldn't. They might get too rough, break a toy, or start screaming loud enough to wake the baby. This is frankly not their fault. They are still learning how to monitor their own bucket. They don't have many strategies for draining it when needed. But often parents are shocked and dismayed to see their child "misbehaving" so suddenly in the middle of a fun game. Then mom or dad sternly tries to correct the behavior. This usually backfires because the correction adds MORE emotion to the bucket. Now the child is dealing with several feelings at once: glee about the game, their parent's (confusing) anger or dismay, guilt and shame about having caused that dismay. And the bucket is definitely overflowing. That excess must go somewhere. Jumping off the couch and dashing around until slipping on last night's PJs? Hitting dad in the face while laughing maniacally? Bursting into inconsolable tears? It looks different for each child and from episode to episode. Those things are not generally thought-out or conscious choices. The body must rid itself of the excess energy and impulses abound.

I've written about helping children recover from tantrums in other posts but today I want to focus on emotions. Here are some tips for monitoring and using emotion to help your child thrive:

1. Monitor your child over the course of two weeks to learn about their emotional style. How do they deal with emotions? Is your child a yeller? A crier? Do they go to a quiet spot alone to process after a disagreement? How do they deal with arguments with peers? Siblings? You? These observations will help you understand which feelings are easier or harder for your child to manage independently and when they might need your support.

2. Agree with them. Accept that if they see something as a problem it is a problem. Don't minimize their feelings or shame them for expressing them. Boys cry. Grown ups cry. Everyone cries.

3. Use a light touch. When you need to correct something your child is doing use as neutral a tone as possible - especially for the first warning. A teachable moment doesn't require anger. Once anger seeps in the message is lost. And if you overflow their bucket a second time by adding your own emotional information no one wins.

4. Be genuine. While I aim to be neutral I also want my child to know when something isn't okay with me. When I'm frustrated by a repetitive behavior, when they are testing limits purposefully, or when they have physically hurt me I do let them know. Don't smile at a child while trying to correct something serious - that's confusing.

5. Consider your options. Humans express emotions in several ways simultaneously: tone, body language, facial expression, and vocabulary. Each of these channels sends emotional information and pours more into the bucket. Try picking just one or two of these and muting the others. I often give my children "THE LOOK" when I'm warning them to tread lightly. I hold a concerned expression on my face for several seconds to let them process it. I don't say anything. "THE LOOK" is enough to show them I'm monitoring their next move. Alternately I might calmly say, "I'm getting frustrated that you won't help us clean up." The message there is in my vocabulary and I'm cautious not to layer that with an unnecessarily harsh tone. Or if a toddler bites me experimentally I'll give a pained "OUCH!" and allow tone to lead the way. If I see puzzle pieces strewn about that should have been put away I might put one hand on my hip and point with my other hand with a flustered sigh. That is often enough. Remember...your emotions are VERY important to your child. Choose carefully how to express those emotions or you risk flooding them.

6. Bail them out. This is probably the most important tip I can give. If you join your child in their feelings you are allowing them to pour their bucket into your much bigger one. You are saying, "You don't have to hold this alone." Join your toddler by light-heartedly scolding the blocks that keep falling, "BLOCKS! Stay up!" That says to your child, "I see. That's frustrating. I agree. I'm here." Help your child put a label to their feelings - this is calming. "Man. It made you so mad that Mia broke your new car." Join them in their joy as well, "This is SO exciting!" And then give a contented sigh (sighing is a favorite tool of mine - it can convey so many different things with the added bonus of encouraging a nice deep breath).

7. Don't be fooled by laughter. Sometimes smiling and laughing means the exact opposite. There are some children who laugh when feeling nervous or upset. This convinces mom and dad that they are doing things on purpose which is problematic in trying to help change course. While some children delight in frustrating their parents, it's not the only reason you may hear that giggle. Take a moment to consider whether it's real or nervous laughter.

8. Learn what things help your child recover. Deep pressure like a bear hug or a foot massage. Singing quietly. Cuddling a special blanket or toy. Taking a walk. Getting a drink of water. Blowing bubbles (more nice deep breathing!). Remember kids need to recover from intense emotion whether positive or negative. Be sure to build those types of breaks into exciting games as well as times of discipline.

Your child is learning. He or she will get better at managing emotions in the blink of an eye. For now? Back to that wonderfully on-point song: "People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed. Throw a little love their way...and you'll bring out their best."

Go cuddle those littles!

#regulation #emotions #discipline #Preschoolers