Toddler Tantrums: 3 steps back to peace

Having spent the last 17 years working with children – first as a behavior therapist and more recently as a developmental speech-language pathologist – I’ve been lucky to bring a bag full of tricks into motherhood. One of my most treasured bits of knowledge involves how the brain works when we get upset. I use this knowledge daily at work, with my kids, and with myself (constantly!) in order to keep everyone operating as calmly as possible. My husband will tell you that this has saved both our marriage and our toddlers from a lot of misery. I could talk about the emotional brain for hours on end but most parents I know are looking for a much faster answer. The most important key I can share with you is about regulation. What's that? Read on toddler-taming warriors.

There is this thing called regulation. It is basically the zone in your nervous system between being a slug and being completely out of control. It’s the perfect balance. You are alert and active but still calm and organized. A talented occupational therapist friend of mind explained it best when she said, “Regulation is being energized enough to act but calm enough to do it effectively.”

As adults we work hard all day to stay in our just-right zone. We guzzle caffeine, take deep breaths, vent to friends, and stare at our nature-scenes screen savers for five minutes when we need to get back to that sweet spot. But for toddlers? That zone is about two millimeters wide. Outside the zone they are either sleeping or bouncing off the walls. One of the biggest jobs of the preschool years (who am I kidding? All the school years. All of them until you have your doctorate) is learning to expand that zone and stay in it. This is partly done through having experience solving different types of problems. When you’re confident that you can overcome obstacles it’s much easier to keep your cool. But toddlers don’t have that perspective yet. They aren’t confident that anyone (except sometimes their lovely parents) can solve their problems. And they have so many problems because to a young child nearly anything can feel catastrophic.

Why does this matter? Three critical reasons. First, many behaviors we don’t like happen on the very edge of or totally outside of this zone. Extreme behaviors happen when kids are not regulated. They have lost their toddler minds and turned into the Tasmanian devil. They hit, bite, scream, and throw their food. They fling themselves on the floor of the local Target and display their astonishingly severe back-arching skills. They scream at decibel levels you never imagined possible. Given the explosive impact of dysregulation it’s in our interest as parents to help keep our children as centered as possible. In case you are doubting me at this juncture: I know it often feels like our tots are doing these things on purpose. And while they might occasionally test boundaries with the cool collectedness of James Bond it's more likely that they are acting from a place of overwhelmed misery. Think about the last time you did something you shouldn't have - like yelled about how you would throw every single matchbox car in the trash if they aren't cleaned up "Right this minute!". You know that feeling you had in that moment? That totally animalistic need to lash out? That is dysregulation. And you probably felt guilty right after it happened. So you took steps to pick up the pieces of your hectic day and regain your patience. But toddlers aren't nearly as good at getting back into their zone. And each mistake they make can lead them to become even more disorganized causing behaviors to pick up speed. This is especially true if they see you getting increasingly upset.

The second reason to keep regulation in mind is that when you are dysregulated you cannot solve problems. This is why an upset toddler can get just ever-so-slightly rigid and stuck. Dan Siegel (one of my all-time favorite parenting experts) talks about humans having an “upstairs brain” and a “downstairs brain.” The “downstairs brain” is emotional and old. Think reptilian. When you are in the downstairs brain emotion has taken over and you cannot talk or reason. Have you ever tried reasoning with an alligator? I don’t suggest it.

That brings me to point number three: you cannot talk to a child who is in the middle of a tantrum. The language system is offline. All those words just overload the child even more. This is hard for parents because we think that if we can just explain why the pink sippy cup is in the dishwasher our toddler will stand up, stop crying, apologize, and accept the purple cup instead. False. When a child is intensely emotional (which is approximately 137% of the time in the toddler years) they cannot understand language the way they usually do. And given that toddlers are still just learning to use language at their best of times it’s critical to think of it as next to nil during a tantrum.

Here are some quick tips for dealing with regulation (or, more appropriately, the LACK of regulation) in young children:

1. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you – truly. Your kiddos love you more than anyone or anything. But they also trust that they are free to lose it with you and that you’ll still be there for them.

2. Drop the language – when your kiddo gets emotional you need to shorten your sentences and use clear, simple vocabulary. One good rule of thumb here is to think about your child's average sentence length and try to match that as closely as you can. If your kiddo usually says 2-4 word sentences then you should try to keep yourself there (or even lower!) until he is calmer. If you can comfort them without any words at all, all the better. I use a lot of familiar gestures when my kids are upset.

3. Aim to get them back on track with these three steps: CONNECT, VALIDATE, PROBLEM SOLVE.

4. Connect – get down on your child’s level and offer comfort until you start to see signs of your normal kiddo peeking out from behind that alligator mask. It might take some detective work to figure out exactly what works for your child. You'll want to explore combinations of touch, rhythm, sounds, words, and comfort objects that help (or any that seem to derail). I usually sit next to my daughter and say, “I’m here” and then wait. She doesn’t like to be touched when she is upset. For my son I gather him up into my lap and rock him quietly. If your child is hitting or biting, move them to a safe spot and offer comfort from a distance until they are calmer. Sometimes this might even mean walking away and letting them know you’ll check in with them in a few minutes – “I’ll be back. Rest your body.” While I aim to be close and supportive when my children need help calming down sometimes they really need to be left alone. I do make sure that if I leave them to take a break I return within a few minutes and keeping checking in frequently until they are ready to chat.

5. Validate the feeling – this is critical. Once you start to see your kiddo calming down (think about halfway back to normal) you should try to engage them in LOW LEVEL conversation about the problem. Your child is emotional about something. No matter how small that something seems to you, your best way out is to acknowledge it. “You really expected that pink cup. How disappointing, huh?” (or for my little honorary Californian tots I say, “What a bummer!”). When you hit on the right feeling, you will usually see them look right at you with glimmering eyes or take a breath. Something will tell you that you’ve hit the nail on the head.

6. Figure out a solution together – once they are calm, breathing normally, and speaking in short phrases again you can try to come up with a plan. Keep your language simple still – they are still just returning to the zone it can be a quick trip back over the edge. “That pink cup is still dirty.” (Sigh dramatically – show them you are on their side). See if they offer any ideas… and take it. If they want to choose a paper cup from their grandpa’s Over the Hill birthday party last week go for it. If they want to learn how to wash cups GO FOR IT (time allowing). If it’s simply not a choice to do something different then sit with them in that feeling a bit longer. Use “Wish” language to make it feel better. “I sure WISH that cup was clean. It’s a great cup.”

When you start using these steps more and more you’ll get faster at it and your child will start to respond in anticipation of the familiar routine. I used to only be able to accomplish this gracefully at home when I wasn’t rushed. But now we can usually get through the steps in record time on a shopping trip to avoid the total knock-down tantrum on the floor of our local grocery store. Once they get used to problem solving with you they tend to have a much easier time getting back to their zone.

What strategies do you use to calm your children down? I look forward to hearing your tips and tricks in the comments. Have a safe, happy, and tantrum-free Thanksgiving!

#regulation #tantrums